Yet
by My Vantilene
Summary: You'd like to think that trusting makes you weak, but it doesn't. It's trusting all the wrong people and doubting all the right ones that has left you vulnerable.


It's a lot of blood, Arthur.

I mean, of course, there's always blood when you draw near to the brink of death. I would know this better than you because you're always blissfully unconscious when it happens, and so blissfully unaware when it's over. And I've seen a lot blood in my life time, even though you're supposed to have seen it more than me in your time, and I can say with the accuracy of a thousand sages that what I am seeing in front of me is a lot of blood, considerably more than I'm used to seeing at one time.

Of course, this could be viewed as a hyperbole, but you would never know, because while you may be here, you're not living this moment with me. You don't understand. I've never bled like this, surely, and I've never forced you to watch. But I have to go through this, I have to watch this practically every day. Okay, now that could also be viewed as a hyperbole. But there have been back-to-back days with your blood and only me as a witness.

You know, now that I'm already on the subject of your immense ignorance and the dark corners of the realm it reaches, I might as well admit that I'm a sorcerer.

That's right, a sorcerer. A warlock. The most powerful warlock that's ever lived, at that. I can bring shield decorations to life, light dark passages, kill Griffins, open and close the veil between life and death and you know what else? I'm a dragon lord, the last one alive. I can summon dragons and they have no choice but to heed my commands. I have been prophesized for centuries under the name Emrys. You have too, technically, but you're already a king so there's no surprise. Also if I told you that to your face it would only inflate that huge head of yours.

I was also the old man who saved Gwen from burning. How you weren't suspicious when you knew that there was no enchantment is beyond me.

That also makes me the old man who sped up your father's death. I didn't mean to do that, Arthur, you of all people should know that I wanted no harm to come to your father. I've risked my life for the guy almost as many times as I have for you and that's saying something. I wanted to heal him and open your heart to my kind, but like the magic I used, all of my efforts were shot right back in my face. It was my only chance to show you who I really am. Though you're unconscious, even this fake confession feels good.

I think you're braver about your father's death than a lot of us would be. I stayed outside of the throne room all night, without a wink of sleep because the guilt was like being clad in burning irons, so that you would know that you weren't alone. There were other mourners; all of Camelot shared your grief.

My father died in my arms and I never got to say I love you once. I knew him for barely a day, but that short amount of time was all I needed to realize he was the kind of man I had always wished to be my father.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

You know the dragon lord we went to find? The one living in the cave? Yup, my dad.

I got to say goodnight to my father, after all those years of wondering if he would ever come back, or if he was even alive, and that goodnight felt foreign and wonderful on my tongue.

He was shot by a couple of thugs and I was his sole mourner. I alone grieved. You told me something you tell all your young knights in training, you told me not to waste my tears.

I was his only mourner and I had to wipe my tears before they had even really begun to fall.

When we got back to Camelot I ordered the dragon away, painfully reminded of my father and his suffering, but also boosted with his spirit, as if it moved within me. Every time I summon or command a dragon, I feel him.

But never was I allowed to really mourn his death, and no one would offer their condolences, there would be no funeral service, no eulogy, no one even knew he was dead but me. He was my father and I watched him die, so I know how terrible that was for you. But you had me. You had the knights. You had the whole kingdom. We all felt for you. And you're a fool if you think you can't talk to anyone about it. I understand, Arthur, more than you're ever allowed to know.

It's been years of daily blood spill cinema for me and slowly I think I've finally earned your trust.

How many times have I saved your life to achieve that?

I stopped those enchanted snakes from killing you, after you didn't heed my warnings, defeated the afanc while your back was turned, got poisoned by a chalice, defeated the mighty Griffin, foiled Edwin's plans and cured your father, I stopped Sophia and her father from sacrificing your soul to get into Avalon, I forged a sword able to kill something dead so you and your father wouldn't end up like that, I saved your life with my magic when we fought in Elgon and my best friend was killed for it, I stopped Tauren from killing your father and then you, I killed Nimeuh for the antidote to the Questing Beast's venom, and, yeah, I also killed the Questing Beast, I saved you from that wildebeest in the forest, but of course you gave Cedric credit for that even though I warned you about him, and you had me arrested, but lucky for both of us and the whole of Camelot, I broke out and stopped Cedric when he was possessed by Sigan, you know he offered me the throne to turn on you? I stopped Myror from killing you in a jousting tournament, and that whole week of hiding you in Gwen's house was absolute hell for me, you should know, I kept us all from dying when you ran off to save Gwen from being held ransom, I made sure you didn't actually die when we had to trick your father into crying to break the troll's spell, I was the one who told Guinevere how to break the spell when you were adamant about dying for Vivian, I made the choice to poison Morgana, by far one of the hardest decisions I've ever made because I considered her a friend at that point, and no one was there to help me, of course not you, I commanded the dragon and saved you, while still dealing with my father's death, I saved your father from the nightmares of the mandrake, which, by the way, was planted there by Morgana when she returned, and you know it was her who summoned that skeletal army in our walls, and I'm the one who dispelled them, but of course she got the credit, I risked my life to save yours when those two thugs pretended to be knights for the chance to kill you, I saved Uther when Morgana tried to stab him with your birthday present to her, and in turn you, while dealing with the frustration of these visions, I prevented you from becoming another sacrifice for Avalon when Elena's maid tried to force you to marry Elena, I saved you when Morgana laid a trap for you by using Gwen and Elyan, I kept you alive when Morgana gave you an enchanted bracelet that slowly sucked out your life force, and you insisted on going on that quest through the Perilous Lands alone. I guess now you know why those wyverns didn't seem to bother me. I saved Uther from the Manticore's poison, I posed as an 80-year-old sorcerer to keep Morgana from splitting you and Gwen apart, I stopped a misled sorcerer from killing your father in a tournament, I'm the one who started the fire that led to our escape from those slave masters, I killed the immortal army almost single-handedly, I tried to sacrifice myself in your place for the veil to be repaired, but Lancelot beat me to it, I saved you in that fight against Queen Annis's champion when Morgana meddled with your sword.

After years of this, you're finally beginning to trust me. And yet it hasn't even been a full year and you already trust your uncle more than anyone else. Oh, hey, now would be a good time to tell you that he's plotting with Morgana. That wasn't the real Lancelot that came back and stole Gwen from you.

This information would've been good to hear when you could do something about it, wouldn't it have? I agree, it would be great if I could call everything like it is, tell you these things the way I do Gaius, but it doesn't work that way when you're king. I've saved you more times than I can count, and still you second guess my advice and the information I know, the things I've seen with my own two eyes.

You'd like to think that trusting makes you weak, but it doesn't. It's trusting all the wrong people and doubting all the right ones that has left you vulnerable.

There are so many unspoken social rules that make it impossible for us to confide in you. But you're king, Arthur, there's nothing stopping you from confiding in us. I don't understand why you can't.

You have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear, you have the whole world to gain!

I have my whole life to hide, the whole world to fear, and after saving your life time after time, only your trust to gain.

It's valuable and rare, it must be or it wouldn't come at such a high price. Do you know how many people I've lost?

Of course, you saw my Will die after taking the blame for me, and my father die, though, granted, you didn't know it was him. I think you tried to kill my girlfriend one time? And you succeeded. Like my father, I was her sole mourner. I set her off in a boat and set it on fire, a proper send off she deserved more than anyone. I still think about her, even now her death haunts me like a shadow. But it's not like you would really understand that, just like I couldn't understand how you were able to banish Gwen and try to marry another. She was alive, Arthur, and you let her go. Hardly anything was standing in your way, you knew you loved her, and you let her go. Freya died, and I still wonder if there was anything I could do, if there's anything I can do now, even though I know that type of magic is dangerous and it might not be the girl I know I get back, I still imagine her walking through the door, like nothing ever happened. There are times I dream about joining her, however fleetingly.

I do this to myself because it's my destiny to protect you, because you are the once and future king of Camelot, but also because you're my friend and I don't understand why you can't do this one simple thing for me. Why can't you trust me?

After all we've been through, you'd think I'd be trusted by now.


End file.
